How Are You Spending Your Season of Single?

We live in a society that teaches women our ultimate goal in life is to get a husband. If a woman is not married by a certain age, people tend to look at her as if something is wrong. No one really looks at a fifty year old unmarried man and asks “What’s wrong with him?” However, they will ask “What’s wrong with her?” in a heartbeat when a woman is forty or fifty and single. “How come she doesn’t have a man? She can’t keep a man.” It’s no surprise that women feel pressured or less than when they are not married by a certain age or don’t have the love they desire. Even single women in their late twenties and thirties can feel pressured as well. They are tricked into thinking that their season of being single means doom and gloom. When in fact, that’s not true at all.

Here is a story about two women. Both are in their season of single, but handle it in two completely different ways.

The first woman, Olivia, has been single for over three years. She left a very unhealthy relationship and made up her mind that she would no longer settle. Olivia learned from that bad relationship and promised herself she would no longer allow that type of disrespect from a man ever again. She knows her worth as a woman of God and settling for anything than God’s best is not an option.

Olivia decided that she would make the best of her time being single. She knew that God had a husband for her; it was just a matter of being patient and waiting on his perfect timing. She made it up in her mind that she would be the best mother she could be to her two daughters and show them the example of being a woman of God. 

Olivia became very active in church and volunteered her time to help in other ministries as needed. She would spend more time with family and friends. She even started taking virtual entrepreneurial classes on Saturday mornings so she could learn more about starting a business. She took Zoomba classes on Wednesday evenings after bible study to get in shape and take better care of her health. Olivia volunteered at her daughters’ schools when her schedule allowed. She created a goal list and wrote them down in her journal and crossed them off one by one as they were accomplished. 

She was so busy focusing on God, her family, and bettering herself, that at times she would forget she was single. She didn’t view her season of single as being lonely, she viewed it as an opportunity. An opportunity to better herself and be the woman God has called her to be. Olivia strived to become the type of woman, the husband she prayed for would need by his side. 

Now let’s talk about Ms. Carla. She has been single for about six months. Don’t worry, she won’t be single for long. She can’t stand to be by herself, even when oftentimes it is what she needs most. 

Her last relationship was toxic. He put her down, cheated, and verbally abused her. Carla compromised the Christian values she was taught all her life to be with this man. Daily this relationship was an internal and mental struggle, but she would rather be with him than alone. The relationship ended not because she left him, but because he finally left her. When it ended she hung on for life. Begged him to come back. Oftentimes he would play with her emotions. He knew she wanted him back and he would use that to his advantage. Carla would have sex with him and feel empty immediately afterward. Because she knew she was compromising her beliefs and this man didn’t love her. When he finally stopped interacting with her, she found someone else not long after. 

shirtless woman lying on chair
Photo by Nuta Sorokina on

This new man did the same thing as the other. It was a repetitive cycle. When one man left, she found another. She found herself going to church occasionally, but wasn’t focused. Carla would hear the word but would forget it the moment she left the door. She didn’t allow it to feed her, because she was allowing toxic men to feed her spirit unhealthy things.

She didn’t focus on bettering herself, because so much time was put into the men she dated. 

Yes, she had goals and dreams, but they often took the back burner. What took priority in her life was not being alone. That mattered more than her relationship with God, her family, her career, and her well-being. Carla remains in this cycle over and over. Having any man there is better than no man at all. She does not view her season of single as an opportunity! She views it as loneliness and engages in lonely behavior.

If you look at your season of single as loneliness, I challenge you today to change your mindset. 

Just because you are single, it doesn’t mean that you are not worthy of love and that something is wrong with you. Don’t let people make you feel that they are somehow so well put together because they found love. There are plenty of people in relationships and marriages that are miserable. There are plenty of toxic couples that found their way to each other’s toxic spirits. It’s not about wanting what someone else has, but wanting what God has specifically for you. 

Lonely thinking can lead to lonely behavior. It can cause you to cling and hold on to a man that you should have let go of a long time ago. It can continue cycles that are damaging to your spirit and mental health.

 You have a chance during your season of single to focus on being the best woman you can be to yourself. So when God does send you the man he has for you, you will be ready! 

About Living In Queendom 33 Articles
Welcome to The Living In Queendom. Living In Queendom is about encouraging black women to live as their best selves. To have a Queendom mindset, practice self-love, and stay connected to God.

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