There’s been a growing conversation among Black women, about stepping away from the church. Not stepping away from God, not abandoning faith, not “backsliding,” but intentionally distancing themselves from environments that no longer feel safe, nourishing, and harmful to their spiritual growth. And honestly? It’s a conversation we need to stop tiptoeing around. Because for many of them, this isn’t about rebellion it’s about hurt.
Church hurt, judgement, and feeling unseen is real. And many of us have carried the weight of all three for far too long.But before we go any further, let’s make one thing clear: these women aren’t leaving God. They’re leaving places that forgot how to treat them like God’s daughters.
The Church Isn’t Perfect — Because People Aren’t Perfect
We love to imagine the church as a flawless sanctuary filled with holy, gentle, spiritually mature people. But let’s be honest: that’s the brochure or website perfect version. The truth is simple… the church is made of humans. And humans come with ego, insecurity, trauma, pride, and sometimes straight‑up mess. Some Sundays you walk in expecting angels and walk out thinking, Now why did Sister So‑and‑So act like that in the Lord’s house?
So yes, the church fails people. Leaders fail people. Members fail people. And none of that has anything to do with who God is, but it has everything to do with who people choose to be. That right there is why church hurt can cut so deep. It’s not just disappointment; it’s betrayal from a place that was supposed to be safe.
When Leadership Turns Into a Performance
I once attended a church where the pastor was humble, kind, and genuinely called. When he left, I was sad and wanted to leave too. I reminded myself that church isn’t about the pastor. It’s about the Word, the community, the fellowship. Then the new pastor came in. And listen… my spirit clocked it immediately and something felt off. He was flashy, showy, and more concerned with being impressive than being impactful. One of his sermons turned into a brag session about shopping at high-end stores, and I sat there thinking, Sir… what does this have to do with Jesus? Does Jesus care about Louis Vuitton? I must have missed the chapter where He said, “Blessed are the ones in designer.” That materialistic side of Him… yeah, it doesn’t exist!
Then came the moment that sealed it. You know those times when your spirit is already giving you the side‑eye like, “Something ain’t right…” and then life hands you the final piece of evidence? This was that moment — the icing on the cake, the “I knew I wasn’t imagining this” confirmation. We were leaving an event, and he looked me up and down. This was not in a pastoral, “God bless you, sis” way, but in a full-blown “Why isn’t she wearing designer?” way. Like he was looking down on my outfit and rolled his eyes. It was a mean look and I will never forget how off it felt. I remember thinking, Why did I just catch my pastor looking at me like he was disgusted? It might’ve seemed small to someone else, but when you’ve already been seeing all the other little things, that moment becomes loud. It was the final straw.
That was it for me. I left that church, and let me be clear, I didn’t feel guilty, conflicted, or torn. I walked out with peace, because my spirit had already packed its bags. And later on, I found out I wasn’t the only one. Other members had left too, because they felt the same “something’s off” discernment.
Growing Up a PK: The Hurt Hits Different
Growning up as a pastor’s kid adds a whole extra layer to church hurt that I experienced. People don’t see you as a young person figuring life out they see you as a walking billboard for your parent’s ministry. Suddenly your skirt is too short, your tattoo is too rebellious, your mistakes are too public. And the wild part? It’s not the kids judging you, it’s the grown folks.
Some people didn’t want to see me succeed simply because of who my father was. They weren’t looking at my heart; they were looking for a reason to say, “See? The pastor’s daughter isn’t perfect.” That kind of scrutiny doesn’t just sting — it scars. Not it wasn’ty everybody, it was the few church members that are not coming for God but a place to gossip and show out not in a good way.
So Why Are These Women Leaving
Many are leaving because they are tired of feeling unsupported, especially when they’re the ones holding ministries together behind the scenes. They’re tired of not being able to be themselves without someone clutching pearls or quoting scripture out of context.
And sometimes, let’s be real, us Christian folks can act so judgmental, rude, and downright nasty that you have to pause and ask yourself, Who exactly wants to be part of that? Some of the most gossipy, mean‑spirited people are in church every Sunday, front row, ready to critique everybody but themselves. And they’re not going for Jesus, they’re going for the social club, the fashion show, the weekly performance of holiness. They’re going to be seen and not transformed. So walking into this on a Sunday morning, when you are expecting a place to feel at home, who wouldn’t be tempted to leave?
Many of the women who leaving, are tired of emotional, spiritual, financial, and sometimes physical abuse that is being hidden, covered up, or dismissed as “don’t question the man of God.” They’re tired of watching harm get swept under the rug while victims are told to “pray about it.” They’re tired of being told to serve but never acknowledging burnout. Tired red of being told to forgive but never being protected. Tired of being told to be strong but never being allowed to rest.
Black women aren’t leaving because they don’t love God. They’re leaving because they’re done tolerating environments that don’t love them back. And honestly, too often as Christians, we don’t want to admit that a lot of churches are failing us. We tiptoe around it, we spiritualize it, we say “just pray about it,” but the truth is: some church spaces are not at all reflective of God’s heart. Acknowledging that isn’t being divisive, it’s being honest and real.
But Here’s the Part We Can’t Ignore
To the women who are leaving, church hurt is real, but so is God and the two are not the same. We cannot let flawed people block us from a flawless God. The Bible calls us to assemble with fellow believers, and let’s be honest, those believers are not perfect. That gathering doesn’t have to be a mega‑church with LED screens, a worship band, and a coffee bar. It can be 10 people in a storefront or can be 50 people at a community center.
Christian community is still necessary, but it has to be healthy. It has to be safe. It has to be rooted in love, not performance. And let’s be real: this doesn’t excuse poor church behavior. It doesn’t mean we just shrug and say, “Well, nobody’s perfect.” Yes, we shouldn’t expect church to be flawless all the time , that’s not realistic, but at the same time, it is absolutely not okay for it to be toxic. Imperfect is human but harmful is unacceptable.
The goal is to find the right community and not let the wrong one make you give up on the whole idea of church. You deserve a place where you feel loved, encouraged, and reminded of whose you are. A place that will tell you biblical truth, pour into your spirit, and actually feed you not drain you.
Why Church Still Matters
And I would emphasize that church isn’t important because God needs a building. God isn’t sitting in heaven saying, “Where’s My sanctuary with the LED lights, the praise team, and the fog machine?” Church matters because we need community. We are not meant to walk out our Christian journeys alone. We need people around us who encourage us, challenge us, pray for us, check on us, and help us grow. We need accountability, worship, fellowship, service, and spiritual nourishment. All of these things that are hard to find when you’re trying to do faith completely by yourself so please don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
The Real Message
If you’ve been hurt, you’re not alone. If you’ve stepped away, you’re not wrong. If you’re healing, you’re not faithless.Just don’t let people with their opinions, their egos, their flaws stop you from having a relationship with God. Don’t let them rob you of community, connection, or worship. Find a space that honors your spirit. Find a pastor who feeds your soul. Find believers who love without conditions. You don’t have to leave God, because he hasn’t left you.
Arlesia Cummings, Founder & Creative Lead