There’s been a growing conversation among Black women about stepping away from the church. They are intentionally distancing themselves from environments that no longer feel safe, nourishing, or healthy for their spiritual growth. And honestly? It’s a conversation we need to stop tiptoeing around.
I recently came across some YouTube videos, two are included below, discussing why some Black women are leaving the church. I watched, and then started noticing other women having similar conversations. Video after video, woman after woman, sharing their experiences with church hurt, judgment, disappointment, and feeling unseen. And I found myself saying out loud, “Dang… this is a problem that more churches need to be honest with themselves about.”
Because for many Black women, stepping away from a particular church environment isn’t about rebellion. It isn’t about turning their backs on God. Sometimes, it’s about being hurt by people in a place where they expected to find love, grace, community, and acceptance. And that’s a conversation worth having.
Church hurt, judgement, and feeling unseen is real. And many of us have carried the weight of all three for far too long.But before we go any further, let’s make one thing clear: these women aren’t leaving God. They’re leaving places that forgot how to treat them like God’s daughters.
The Church Isn’t Perfect – Because People Aren’t Perfect
We love to imagine the church as a flawless sanctuary filled with holy, gentle, spiritually mature people. But let’s be honest: that’s the brochure or website perfect version. The truth is simple… the church is made of humans. And humans come with ego, insecurity, trauma, pride, and sometimes straight‑up mess. Some Sundays you walk in expecting angels and walk out thinking, Now why did Sister So‑and‑So act like that in the Lord’s house?
So yes, the church fails people. Leaders fail people. Members fail people. And none of that has anything to do with who God is, but it has everything to do with who people choose to be. That right there is why church hurt can cut so deep. It’s not just disappointment; it’s betrayal from a place that was supposed to be safe.
When Leadership Turns Into a Performance
I once attended a church where the pastor was humble, kind, and genuinely called. When he left, I was sad and wanted to leave too. I reminded myself that church isn’t about the pastor. It’s about the Word, the community, the fellowship. Then the new pastor came in. And listen… my spirit clocked it immediately and something felt off. He was flashy, showy, and more concerned with being impressive than being impactful. One of his sermons turned into a brag session about shopping at high-end stores, and I sat there thinking, Sir… what does this have to do with Jesus? Does Jesus care about Louis Vuitton? I must have missed the chapter where He said, “Blessed are the ones in designer.” That materialistic side of Him… yeah, it doesn’t exist!
I ended up leaving that church because I knew the direction that pastor was leading it in was not for me. It was becoming about his ego and being seen, not about allowing God to be the head of the church. I walked out with peace, because my spirit had already packed its bags long before my feet did. And later on, I found out I wasn’t the only one. Other members had left too, carrying that same “something’s off” discernment. When multiple people quietly step away for the same reason, that’s not coincidence, that’s confirmation.
Growing Up a PK: The Hurt Hits Different
Growing up as a pastor’s kid adds a whole extra layer to church hurt, and I know that experience firsthand. Some people don’t see you as a young person figuring life out, they see you as a walking billboard for your parent’s ministry. Suddenly your skirt is too short, your tattoo is too rebellious, your mistakes are too public. And the wild part? It’s not the kids judging you, it’s the grown folks.
Some people didn’t want to see me succeed simply because of who my father was. They weren’t looking at my heart; they were looking for a reason to say, “See? The pastor’s daughter isn’t perfect.” That kind of attention doesn’t just sting, it scars. And let me be clear, it wasn’t every member. It was a handful of people who weren’t coming for God at all. They were coming for gossip, comparison, a place to socialize and not to grow spiritually.
And when you grow up around that, you understand exactly why people leave when they feel hurt by the church. Because church is supposed to be the safe place where you can breathe, grow, and be covered. But when it becomes a place where you’re judged harshly, picked apart, or made to feel small, you start asking yourself, Why am I even here? When the people in the building start acting more like the world than the Word, it makes sense that folks quietly slip out the door.
So Why Are Some of Us Leaving The Church?
Many Black women are leaving because they’re tired of feeling unsupported, especially when they’re the ones holding ministries together behind the scenes. They’re tired of the Bible being twisted to justify bad behavior instead of being used to guide people toward truth. And sometimes, let’s be real, Christian folks can act so judgmental, rude, and downright nasty that you have to pause and ask yourself, Who wants to be part of that? Some of the most gossipy, mean‑spirited people are in church every Sunday, front row, ready to critique everybody but themselves. So when you walk in hoping to feel at home and instead feel picked apart, who wouldn’t be tempted to leave?
Many of the women who are leaving are tired of emotional, spiritual, and sometimes financial abuse being hidden, covered up, or dismissed as “don’t question the man of God.” They’re tired of watching harm get swept under the rug while victims are told to “pray about it.” They’re tired of being told to serve while their burnout is ignored. Tired of being told to forgive while never being protected. Tired of being told to be strong while never being allowed to rest. Black women aren’t leaving because they don’t love God. They’re leaving because they’re done tolerating environments that don’t love them back.
And honestly, too often as Christians, we don’t want to admit that a lot of churches are failing us. We tiptoe around it, but the truth is that some church spaces are not reflective of God’s heart at all. Acknowledging that isn’t being divisive, it’s being honest and real.
Why Church Still Matters
To the women who are thinking about leaving the church or who have already left, hear me clearly: yes, church hurt is real but so is God, and the two are not the same. Walking away from a harmful environment doesn’t mean you’ve walked away from Him. It simply means you’re protecting your spirit from a place that stopped protecting you. We cannot let flawed people block us from a flawless God.
The Bible calls us to assemble with fellow believers, and let’s be honest, those believers are not perfect. That gathering doesn’t have to be a mega‑church with LED screens, a praise team, and a coffee bar. It can be 10 people in a storefront or 50 people in a community center. The point isn’t the building, it’s the community. The goal is to find the right community and not let the wrong one make you give up on the whole idea of church. You deserve a place where you feel loved, encouraged, and reminded of whose you are. A place that will tell you biblical truth, pour into your spirit, and actually feed you not drain you.
Christian community is still necessary, but it has to be healthy, safe, and rooted in love, not performance. And let’s be real: this doesn’t excuse poor church behavior. It doesn’t mean we shrug and say, “Well, nobody’s perfect.” Yes, we shouldn’t expect church to be flawless , that’s not realistic, but it is absolutely not okay for it to be toxic. Imperfect is human but harmful is unacceptable.
And I would emphasize that church isn’t important because God needs a building. God isn’t sitting in heaven saying, “Where’s My sanctuary with the LED lights, the praise team, and the big crowd?” Church matters because we need community. We are not meant to walk out our Christian journeys alone. We need people who encourage us, pray for us, check on us, and help us grow. We need accountability, worship, fellowship, service, and spiritual nourishment. All of these things that are hard to find when you’re trying to do faith completely by yourself. So don’t let anyone convince you otherwise and deter you from the community you need.
You Don’t Have To Leave God
If you’ve been hurt know that you are not alone. If you’ve stepped away, you can go back. If you need healing it doesn’t mean you are faithless. Just don’t let people with their opinions, their egos, their flaws stop you from having a relationship with God. Don’t let them rob you of community, connection, or worship. Find a space that honors your spirit. Find a pastor who teaches the word and not his own agenda. Find believers who love without conditions. You don’t have to leave God, because he hasn’t left you.
Arlesia Cummings, Founder & Creative Lead