Earlier this week, we talked about love…you know, the boo’d-up kind. The butterflies, the good-morning texts, the date nights, and all the things that make your heart smile. But today, we’re talking about a different kind of love. This love doesn’t come from a partner, a friend, or anyone else. We’re talking about self-love. And no, this isn’t about arrogance or walking around with the biggest head in the room. We need your crown to fit, Queen.
The kind of love that starts when you decide you are amazing, even when you’re not really feeling yourself. The kind that reminds you who you are when the world tries to tell you otherwise. The kind that doesn’t require a relationship status update or a text letting everybody know that you got back together…again. No, this is the love that comes from within. This is self-love, and while it sounds simple, learning to truly love yourself can be one of the hardest things you ever do.
Unfortunately, self-love is often the love we put on the back burner. Many of us have become experts at taking care of everyone else. We’re the friend who remembers birthdays, the family member everyone calls when there’s a problem, the one checking on everybody, praying for everybody, encouraging everybody, and helping everybody. Somewhere between being the life coach, event planner, chauffeur, prayer warrior, and emotional-support Queen, we forget to check on ourselves. We can become so accustomed to being needed that we don’t even realize how depleted we are until our bodies, minds, and spirits force us to slow down.
And honestly, if you don’t love yourself, you’ll start accepting things that don’t align with your worth. You’ll tolerate situations longer than you should. You’ll overextend yourself trying to prove your value. You’ll pour and pour into everyone else’s cup while your own is sitting there bone dry…really dry…no ice or anything in it. Some of us have been running on three hours of sleep, coffee, and the grace of God for far too long. We’ve believed the lie for so long that taking care of ourselves is selfish when, in reality, it is necessary. There is nothing selfish about recognizing that you have needs, too.
This is especially important for us as Black women, because we often carry layers of expectations about strength, responsibility, resilience, and caring for others.
In other words, carrying the entire world on your shoulders was never your homework assignment. You don’t have to be everything to everybody all the time. Somewhere along the way, many of us were taught that strength means handling everything without complaining, asking for help, or admitting that we’re tired. But being strong does not mean being unavailable to your own needs. You can be strong and still need rest. You can be independent and still need support. You can be the person everyone calls and still decide that sometimes you need to put your phone on Do Not Disturb.
And contrary to what social media may suggest, self-love isn’t just spa days, vacations, luxury candles, and organizing your life with perfect containers in an all-white modern kitchen. Sometimes self-love is setting a boundary and not feeling the need to explain yourself. It’s saying “no” without feeling guilty. It’s making the doctor’s appointment you’ve been postponing since before the pandemic. It’s drinking your water, getting your rest, taking a break, asking for help, going to therapy, praying, or simply giving yourself permission to sit still for a moment without feeling like you should be doing something productive.
Self-love also means paying attention to the way you speak to yourself. If your best friend talked about herself the way some of us talk about ourselves, we would probably look at her and say, “Girl…get it together. You are being way too mean to yourself.” Yet somehow, we can extend grace, patience, encouragement, and compassion to everyone around us while speaking to ourselves in ways we would never speak to someone we love. We have to learn that kindness isn’t something we only give away. We deserve some of it, too.
Self-love is understanding that your worth isn’t tied to your productivity. You don’t become valuable because you earned a promotion, checked off every item on your to-do list, lost the weight, launched the business, bought the house, or found the relationship. And you don’t become less valuable when you’re tired, struggling, resting, starting over, or figuring things out. Your accomplishments may be part of your story, but they are not the measurement of your worth. You are valuable because you were created by God and uniquely designed on purpose.
You cannot continue pouring from an empty cup and then wonder why you’re exhausted. Even your phone sends you a low-battery warning before it shuts down. Yet some of us ignore every warning sign our bodies, minds, and spirits send us. We keep pushing, keep helping, keep showing up, and keep telling ourselves we’ll rest later. But later has a way of becoming tomorrow, and tomorrow has a way of becoming another year.
Maybe self-love isn’t about becoming a new woman. Maybe it’s about loving the woman you already are, the flaws, imperfections, quirks, and everything in between. God loves you exactly as you are, so why wouldn’t He want you to love on yourself, too? You don’t have to have it all together to appreciate the woman He created. He can do great things in and through you, even while you’re still growing. He’s not expecting perfection, just a heart that’s willing to keep learning, growing, and becoming better.
So, give yourself some grace, embrace your beautiful imperfect self, and love on you a little more.